Abandoned Brooklyn Heights Building
??? Columbia Heights, New York NY 11201
Those of us who lived in NYC during the pandemic (not counting the 6-week stint I did on Long Island) deserve some kind of medal. Not quite a Purple Heart but maybe something along those lines. It was insane for everyone but especially me because I lived in the Financial District. Basically if a movie studio wanted to make a movie set in a post-apocalyptic warzone, they need not look further than John Street circa 2020. A concrete jungle where nightmares are made of. Great food options, though!
After months upon months of being stuck inside our dark apartment in this brutalist neighborhood, Parker and I were starved for more space, sunlight, toilet paper, etc. We decided to make the Big Move™ (Manhattan to Brooklyn). We spent our weekends strolling around different neighborhoods of Brooklyn to see what caught our fancy when we stumbled upon… her. Brooklyn Heights.
Montague Street - BK Height’s main street
Brooklyn heights is a historical district tucked away in the lower west side of Brooklyn, just north of Cobble Hill (aka where that one Trader Joes is). We found ourselves in an oasis of brownstones, beautiful churches, and TREES! It was the first time in months I heard birds chirping that weren’t the semi-mutilated pigeon gang that frequented my windowsill. It mimics the neighborhood charm of the Upper West Side with just the right amount of Brooklyn sparkle. Hey honest question, what the fuck does that even mean?
Despite our Big Move™ falling through, we still love this area very much. Brooklyn Heights is arguably my favorite place in all of New York City, no cap. There’s also the Brooklyn Heights promenade which is a 1,826-foot-long pedestrian walkway with stunning views of the East River and the downtown Manhattan skyline. I love meandering around this area, appreciating the sights and gazing upon the row of picturesque brownstones alongside the promenade. What I would give to own one of these houses!
One of these homes is not like the other! Shuttered and broken windows, overgrown vines, and overall a disheveled mess (me low key?) - this abandoned brownstone has been here ever since our first stroll back in 2020. We make sure to properly gawk at it every time we walk by, imagining the improvements we would make if we ever magically owned it. One of our recent trips down Daydream Lane went a lil something like this:
“It’s such a shame. That little terrace would be the perfect spot for a garden,” I say.
“Or a barbeque!” Parker chimes in.
“Crazy building right? Do you know the story?”
A voice appears, seemingly out of nowhere. We lower our gaze from the dilapidated building and our sights align on what appears to be the most retired man we’ve ever seen. I’m talking knee-high white socks, a white tank top, suspenders, and khaki cargo shorts. He’s posted up on a bench under a tree, not a care in the world.
“No,” we respond in unison, immediately locked the fuck into whatever the hell this guy had to say.
“This building’s looked like this for 30 years. Ever since I’ve been here, in fact. The story’s about an ex-lover’s quarrel, if you will. See, this married couple, right? They have a contentious divorce and neither of them wants to live here, for some godforsaken reason. But they figure, this building goes for, what, 8? maybe 9 million dollars? Who in their right mind wants to hand half of that to their ex-spouse?”
I’m ready to spend the whole afternoon with this man if that’s what it takes to get to the bottom of this story. He continues.
ugh the stained glass. such a waste.
“But what’s their deal? What kind of life do they live where they can just turn their nose up at money like that? Word on the street is, they’re both in the same line of work. And after years of losing sleep over this, I finally heard what it is. Famous actors? Diplomats? Warlords?”
We nod along to him listing ever-increasingly unlikely professions.
“Nope! You wouldn’t believe it -- psychiatrists! HA! You would think, hey, two people who have made a living settling other people’s emotions would find a better way to handle their own. But hey, what do I know?!”
kerstin seemed pretty interested in the white shutter situation going on inside. Also, I’ve run out of relevant pictures to insert.
We thanked him profusely for the story and continued on our way. I looked back for one last peak at the building and… he was gone. I asked a nearby woman feeding the pigeons if she saw where he went. She said, “Honey, that bench has been closed for 30 years! WoOoAAaA! WhOOoOAaaAAAaAaa!”
If you’re thinking, “Was that two whole pages of dialogue just a setup for a John Mulaney reference?” Only partially.
Anyway, this is now the only information on God’s Green Internet about this building. I can’t remember the address but I couldn't find anything of significance or insignificance about any buildings on this street. Oh well, who even cares about facts??
Fun Facts
The Brooklyn Heights promenade was featured in the 2014 underrated movie They Came Together starring Amy Poehler and Paul Rudd.
My brother (Nick), Parker, and I have all needed to go to the City MD on Montague Street on different occasions.
Speaking of Montague Street, the first ever Häagen-Dazs ice cream store opened here in 1976. It’s still open today!
Parker should be listed as an official co-writer of this week’s newsletter. He helped write most of the dialogue from Mysterious Man since he remembered more of the story than me (he’s an amazing writer, no?)
Anyways… see you next week! Toodaloo!
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this is very nico story coded